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Erotica is Born of Porn and not of Sex

Erotica is Born of Porn and not of Sex

 These days sex has been so commercialized and advertized that the vision of a common man has been blurred. It is difficult for him to distinctly identify the sex and the porn. Thousands of websites are offering unrestricted porn which the people particularly the younger ones take as sex. These young people have no occasion to know what the sex is, beyond this forcibly exhibited porn.  This porn has created a lot of confusion and starvation amongst their minds. They expect their partners to respond in the manner it is shown in the porn. And on partner’s failure to do so the mutual relationships between those young ones are getting affected adversely.  

A few days back a research was undertaken on a topic of ‘Domestic Violence’. It was found during that research that a number of marriages are spoilt in India by this porn. Young boys expect their brides to perform the acts as they had seen in these porn movies or websites. To a great extent due to the cultural background when these brides failed to respond accordingly they were treated with cruelty. They were beaten, battered, branded with hot objects, made to stand without cloths over night, thrown out of the bed rooms so on and so forth.

It is not only that women were met with such cruel treatment even boys were treated by their new wives with contempt and scorn if they failed to perform physical acts in various poses. At least in eight cases it was lastly culminated into mutual separation at the instance of the wives. This sounds strange in a traditional society like India but this is fact obtained by an empirical research. 

This is all because the young ones expect their partners to perform porn instead of sex. And the result is devastating. These results are not only reflected in these matrimonial breakages but in some other forms at social, economic and psychological planes. The young generation has developed an everlasting appetite of arousal and a continuous effort to satiate it. This has given the porn industry a great impetus.

Sometimes back Esther Perel published a paper and showed that the love and desire are two different things. There were some great results in his paper e.g.:

Love and Desire/security and adventure

• Love and desire, they relate and they conflict. Herein lies the mystery of eroticism.

• Love is about having; it seeks to know our partner. Desire is about wanting, it requires the ongoing elusiveness of the other.

• Love and desire spring from separate and distinct motives, they are separate experiences.

• Reconciliation of love and desire, passion and intimacy, is the reconciliation of two sets of conflicting fundamental human needs: the need for safety and security, stability and predictability, continuity and permanence on one hand and the need for risk and novelty, the quest for the unknown, adventure, and transcendence on the other.

• The ability to tolerate our fundamental aloneness is the key to sustaining erotic desire. It’s about intermittent merging.

• Partners need to negotiate their dual needs for safety and stability with their wish for unpredictability and even risk.

His findings appear to be quite true because all these tendencies in the younger ones appear only with new parteners. As the relationship grows with time the porn based desire is gradually changed in love based sex. His study revealed:

More Intimacy, Less Sex

• While for some emotional connection is the well from which springs desire, for others, the greater the emotional intimacy, the lesser the erotic desire.

• Good intimacy does not necessarily make for good sex.

• For some, there is an inverse correlation between greater emotional intimacy and loss of sexual desire.

• While for some people, love, a committed relationship and emotional intimacy generate a feeling of safety which intensifies the sexual desire, for others this very intimacy creates a fear of entrapment, a fear of loss of self, a sense that familiarity is not sexy. They may experience an erotic withdrawal, and a difficulty to sexualize their partner.

Thereafter Perel proceeded to assess this sex and porn or erotica in  historical perspective and he found some great facts:

Historical Introduction:

• “Human Sexuality” as we use the term originated in the 19th  century 

• Our view of sexuality is time bound, linked to social, economic and scientific developments.

SOCIAL: 

The emergence of individualism and the concept of self; this brings with it the intensification of existential separateness which leads to the need for intimacy.

CLASS: 

Middle Class linked sex with intimacy.

ECONOMIC: 

Industrialization; as the individual ceases to be primarily an economic unit, sex is separated from its exclusive reproductive function.

SCIENTIFIC: 

Contraception frees women from the fear of pregnancy and death in childbirth; woman’s pleasure is unleashed. With the advent of contraception and artificial reproduction, sexuality is no longer the sole property of the biological world, it is now socialized as a property of the self.

• Today sexuality is reflexively grasped and opened up. It is a prime connecting feature between body, self-identity and social norms (Anthony Giddens: The Transformation of Intimacy), hence its centrality in our lives, its connection to intimacy and its prominence as in the demise and ensuing divorces of many couples.

Here on this point, he turned the entire discussion to a feud between the sexuality and the eroticism. In fact what Perel did was the same as the author of this article started with. The only difference is those of terminology. Perel stated:

Sexuality vs. Eroticism

SEXUALITY

• It is rooted in nature; all animals have sexuality.

• Has only limited possibilities.

• Is inseparable from its reproductive function.

• We are born sexual and sensuous, we become erotic.

EROTICISM

• The erotic landscape is vastly larger, richer, and more intricate than the physiology of sex, or any repertoire of sexual techniques. If a sex can be a collection of urges and acts, the erotic is a receptacle of our hopes, fears, expectations and struggles.

• It is a metaphor of sexuality.

• It is sexuality transformed by the imagination, which is exclusively human.

• By its origin, eroticism is sex/nature; by its human creation and function in society it is culture.

• It is infinite. It invites constant invention and variation.

• It thrives on the forbidden, the mysterious and the transgressive.

• Where nothing is forbidden, nothing is erotic.

• It plays with ceremony, representation and ritual.

• Pleasure is an end in itself.

• It is always plural, even in solitary pleasures, we invent imaginary others.

“High states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and triumphant solutions. We are most intensely excited when we are a little off balance, uncertain, “poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster.”

--Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind

“A sexual relationship is like learning a script neither of you has read. But you only notice this when one of you forgets your lines. And then, in the panic, you desperately try and remember something that you haven’t really forgotten. You hope the other person will prompt you. You start to hear voices offstage. You bring another character.”

--Adam Philips, Monogamy 

This article continues in the next and the concluding part "Fantasy is the Root Cause" wherein remaining aspects of porn industry will be discussed. 

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